God will punish you, Jelly Roll.
You scared the bejesus out of me.
Well, it ain't smart to live alone, Tom.
You start seein' scary shadows...
red shadows.
God will fry those savages in hell.
I see 'em, now and again,
draggin' their beasts and their belongings through the valley.
And I think, "What a waste of the Promised Land."
You see here.
These little flags are us, and all this nothin' is them.
Does it make sense to you?
It's Indian territory.
Back in the olden days of the Spanish conquest, every Friday,
they used to kill off 12 savages in memory of the 12 Holy Apostles.
Those religious traditions ought to be kept up.
There're hundreds of fine, Christian souls
ready and waitin' for this land to be opened up,
and willin' to pay good prices for it.
Not everybody's as good a Christian as you are, Tom.
Nowadays you gotta have a practical excuse for killin' Indians.
Like what Major Cabot had...
when he found all them wells poisoned.
Yeah.
We know, sure.
Someway the major did a bit of poisoning himself.
But he found lots of Indian beads gathered 'round those wells, didn't he?
All we need is an excuse.
Why don't we cook one up for ourselves, is what I say.
We get undressed like those pagan savages,
and get rid of some no-account white trash livin' off by hisself.
Fess up, Tom.
You've been chewing the fat with Major Cabot.
No I ain't.
Why?
You're saying exactly the same what he's been sayin'.
That's 'cause him and me are practical people--
pioneers of the old frontier.
No.
It's 'cause you both are made out of the same clay.
You both got the evil genius in you.
Good old Cabot.
Tell me, you fellas decided yet who you're gonna scalp?
Hey, Frank!
Bring the gent a cup of coffee.
"Oh, look at my body."
Stop it, man. You're hurtin' the fleas.
Look like a rooster dance, didn't it?
Like a rooster.
You're smart to grease that barrel.
If you want some good advice, file down the sight, too.
- Why's that? - Why?
'Cause sooner or later, strangers around here get their guns
shoved up their...
And you don't wanna get scratched, do ya?
Thanks.
Thanks? Thanks for what?
That's my name-- Joe Thanks.
I'm impressed.
I really am.
Hey!
Huh?
- I know you. - Do ya, now?
Yeah. You're the village idiot!
There's always somebody in every town that gives me that kind of welcome.
You wouldn't talk like that if I had a gun on me.
I'm looking for a man who can shoot fast.
How fast?
Well, let's see...
not a man who shoots first, but if somebody else shoots at him,
he's sure as hell a man who doesn't shoot second.
You sound like a hard fella to please.
But you might give, uh,
Doc Foster a try.
Now Doc, one of these days...
you're going to have to get up from this table
and go on out and see what's going on out there.
Not a thing goin' on there, never will be.
This town's one long Sunday afternoon.
Five.
Gimme two of 'em.
Same here.
Pass.
Five dollars.
Pass.
Ten dollars.
Careful, it's very hot.
Pass.
Last I saw my missus she was nine months heavy.
For all I know I got a family to take care of by now.
Let me go home, Doc.
I'm waitin' for somebody.
Looks like omebody's already here.
He ain't somebody.
Nobody at all.
Sorry, Doc.
For what? Keep goin'.
No.
The five.
Okay.
Yeah.
Two.
Three.
One.
- Pass. - Same here.
Ten, just to keep things goin'.
Ten.
Up you a hundred.
What happens in this game when a fella's got four cards a like?
What happens is, I'm out.
- Same here. - Ah?
Four aces, all four in the same hand.
Never saw the like in all my born days.
Not even when I cheated.
Give this a try, Doc. Colt Navy, model '86.
All these nice folks are gathered around on account of they wanna see a duel.
What duel?
Well, you know how these things work out here in the West.
Two fellas come out of the saloon...
and stand opposite each other.
One of them's usually got his legs spread apart.
And the folks in the town get scared, and edge backward to a safe distance.
And somebody starts playin' a funeral march on a bugle in the background.
And then nothin'.
Not a sound.
Only the whistlin' wind from the desert.
Let me tell you the rest.
In a couple of minutes you're gonna be
one of the deadest men that ever lived.
Outside! My time is precious.
I know, I know. You're waitin' for somebody.
Hey, come on! Come on, everyone!
Hey, they're gonna shoot it out--
Doc Foster and the big guy!
- Come on, come on! - Come on, Eddie!
They're gonna shoot it out, everyone! Let's go!
When you're ready, Doc.
Your horse, Doc?
Stand up and stop actin' like a booby.
Mighty pretty animal.
Don't play the clown.
Nobody takes care of you, huh?
Aw...
Yeah.
Aw, poor critter was thirsty.
Next shot's for you.
You hear me?!
Sorry, Doc.
You shoot when you feel like it, huh?
No, Doc, uh-uh.
Did you like the show?
Good. That makes me happy.
If you'd be so kind, folks,
whatever you can afford, right in the hat.
Seems fair to me.
Anything you want to give, folks,
for the fastest gun on the face of the earth?
- Thanks. - There ya go, folks.
See? Even the wind is on our side.
Watch your head, watch your head.
Thanks. Thank you.
Thanks.
Remember, folks, you just seen a risky show.
I mean, that is for Doc Foster.
Whatever you can afford.
I really appreciate it.
Ah, thanks.
Thank you.
Hey, there's people a-comin'!
- This is for your collaboration. - It's a cavalry coach!
Free these horses and take 'em to the stables.
Give 'em water.
After they're rested they'll need some fodder.
Right, sir.
The Wild West.
Oh, boy.
Forgive the reception, sir.
We been expectin' a group of young ladies to work in this boardin' house,
and the boys made a mistake.
A mistake was made when you were elected sheriff.
Don't you see that I'm a colonel?
For your information, my man,
we are on our way to Fort Cristabel.
Major Cabot might at least have sent someone to meet me.
♪ Oh, my darlin', oh, my darlin'
♪ Oh, my darling Clementine
♪ You are lost and gone forever
Hey, Doc. You'd better pick it up.
Doc, why don't you just go home?
You've been lucky, friend.
I got a job to do.
So have I.
Come in.
She was just a child.
You hear me? A mere child.
- Who was? - My sister!
You raped her, you never waited, you promised to marry her.
- Her? - Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, let 'em hear you.
I want you to get yours in front of everybody.
You ravished my only little sister, do ya hear?
The man is a maniac!
Ya broke her heart!
- He's not a maniac, he's an ass. - Hey, what's that to you?
That beard!
Yeah, that's the key to it all.
What key?
The key to the perfect plan.
Hey, you listen now, this ain't wh-- this ain't none of your business.
Thanks for the good idea, Doc.
But this ain't none of your business.
Hey, what are you doin'?
- Why are you pushing me? - Go on home now like a good boy.
- Out! Out! Just in time, huh? - Ow! Put me down! Don't do that!
My balls!
That's a fascinatin' hand you got on ya.
I never saw such a deep life line.
That's not a life line, it's a scar.
I disarmed a man once by grabbing his knife blade.
- Oops. Life line interrupted. - Huh?
Oh, you're goin' from bad to worse, Colonel.
Death lies in ambush decked out like an Injun.
Don't try to join Major Cabot-- you'll never get there alive.
You, you're a maniac, too, aren't ya, boy?
A friend of mine's got red whiskers, just like yours, Colonel.
Fake, but you can never tell.
We could send him ahead to reconnoitre with your uniform on.
But don't try to go to the fort yourself...
'cause you'll get killed.
Lieu... Lieutenant!
Men! Men!
Soldiers! Men!
Keep on washin'. I'm just bein' followed.
Are you a bandit?
Stop!
You don't look the least little bit
like those ruffians on the wanted posters.
Do they make you look ugly on purpose...
to frighten the public?
Well...
they're tryin' to show the evil that's inside us.
Stop!
- Kiss me. - What?
Papa says the West is too wild for me,
He's sending me back to Washington. I've never kissed an outlaw.
When I tell my girlfriends they'll die of envy.
Kiss me or I'll scream!
Sure.
There was a madman in my room, and another, a maniac,
a fortune teller who pulled my beard!
They're both wanted!
Surround the hotel! I don't want them to escape!
Take 'em, men!
- There's a man in her bed! - There's a man in her bed?
There's a man in her bed!
- Where? - Right here.
Yatahey.
Hey.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, save me...
just this once...
and I swear I'll never do it again.
He's over there.
Get away. Go on, get outta here, you dogs! Come on!
Come on, now leave me alone. Go on, get out of here! Come on!
Get out... Oh, my chickens!
Oh, my poor little chickens. Hey. Hey, hey, come on, now.
Get out. Leave me alone. Go on, get!
Oh, my poor chickens.
What are you, a priest or a chicken thief?
Aw, you horrible wild beasts!
- Go on, get! - Uh, Philipe,
Do you Catholics keep chickens in your church?
- By God, we caught the wrong man! - Right chicken, though.
- But we caught the right chicken. - You chicken thieves!
You'll pay for this. God will damn you!
He can't. We're workin' for him.
You're thieves. You're chicken thieves.
Oh, my poor chickens.
Come, my sons. Let's look for the real one.
What kind of a place is this?
It's all right. It's a place of worship. Come on.
Climb aboard, kids.
Get going.
Come on.
They're all beautiful girls. As you can see.
Where you goin', friend?
I'm just goin' over there to see the madam.
Now you just wait here and behave yourself, huh?
Hey, Mike, how you doin'?
Get a move on.
- Hey. - You'll miss your connection.
Two hundred.
You'll wanna take a better look.
It's solid silver and blessed by a priest.
They used to cut the hands off church robbers.
Two hundred's my offer.
Bag included.
Carousel's off to paradise right now.
What better way to spend your money?
¡Vamos, maricones!
Are you, for a change, trying to screw me, madam?
Lucy?
The offer stays at two hundred.
Take it or leave it.
Lucy!
Lucy, come back!
It's an order!
Climb aboard, gents! The girls are ready and waiting!
Howdy, Steam Engine. I been lookin' for ya.
Well, now that you've found me,
it's buddies forever and I'll see ya around.
Come on, let's empty the hall.
Come on!
Now wait, Bill. I haven't seen him for ages.
- We hadn't hardly said hello. - You call that sayin' hello?
One more time around and you'll be expectin'.
What's wrong with that?
Don't tease him, Lucy.
- He gets jealous. - Jealous?!
I got more important things on my mind.
I pulled this little snipe out of the gutter.
She was a flea hive.
I washed and ironed her, and combed her hair.
I made a lady outta her.
I surrounded her with luxury.
I catered to her every whim.
She's cost me an eye and an ear.
But I already told ya. If you want her, name your price.
I can't do it.
- She's priceless. - Name your price, Joe.
Please? Name your price.
Don't be surprised.
And above all, do not jump to the wrong conclusions.
I'm only here to perform an act of justice.
Shh.
There he is. That's him.
Thou art the man.
You've come a long way. Now you're an informer, huh?
You've been touched by the grace of God.
Is that not so, my son?
- Admit it, Bill, you've been touched. - Well, I been touched.
Is it in here, my son?
Check it carefully, padre.
When I found you half dead in the desert, why didn't I leave you there?
'Cause you never double-cross a friend.
It's all there.
- Thanks be to God. - Thanks be to Joe.
Just think of it.
The man before you was already far away--
free and clear--
when, like Paul on the road to Damascus,
he was struck by God's heavenly light.
Burdened with remorse, he returned...
his heart heavy with despair for his viscious, misspent life
in sin and shame.
- Who's he talkin' about? - You.
- Me? - Mm-hmm.
- Why... - And his noble gesture
would have remained unknown
had it not been for the testimony of this good, Christian soul.
Padre, I only did my duty as a faithful son of the Church.
- Son of a bitch. - But when the prodigal returns,
there's rejoicing in the heavens above.
♪ Glory, glory, glory
♪ On our knees we're bending
♪ Now the erring prodigal
♪ Turns to the righteous way
- ♪ Glory, glory, glory - ♪ Glory, glory, glory
- ♪ Praying for thy blessing - ♪ Praying for thy blessing
- ♪ Our hearts in repentance - ♪ Our hearts in repentance
- ♪ Pledge to Christ today - ♪ Pledge to Christ today
- ♪ Glory, glory, glory - ♪ Glory, glory, glory
Cut the hymn thing!
- This is an honest house! - Thank you.
We don't make fun of the church.
Joe!
- Where the hell's he takin' us? - Keep counting.
Where was I? Uh, 315, 320.
$325 in charity.
That old bag only offered me 200, you know?
You see, Bill. Honesty is the best policy.
You're richer and you been kissed by a priest.
Disgustin'!
Oh, why do you have to act worse than you already are?
Yeah, sure. Twinkletoes here never pukes, does he?
If he does, he doesn't do it in his hat.
He knows enough to do what he has to do where decent folks do it-- in the privy.
That's where you're wrong, Lucy.
If you'd spent less time walkin' the streets like a gypsy
and more time sitting with decent folk on the privy,
you'd have met Joe before you met me.
Hey, I've been dreamin' a weird kind of dream.
The red of the rising sun touches the tops of the highest mountains
so they seem to be bathed in blood.
The peaks throw long shadows down into the bottomless valley.
In the clear blue sky
a hawk glides, wide and easy.
- The whistlin' wind? - No.
The wings cleavin' the air.
- What's that? - Shh.
That's horses' hooves.
And now...
from behind the rocks appears the fabled figure of a man on a white horse.
He's the ancient ruler of these lands.
The shadow of a dead king reaches out for a fleein' man.
His silhouette is dark against the red circle of the sun...
ringed with a halo of eagle feathers,
like rays of light.
Oh, yeah?
It's your old man and he's lookin' for you.
My old man never had feathers.
I'm a white man.
I got a sunburnt face, but you can always tell a white man by the color of his ass
Look!
What's wrong with being an Injun?
So your father's got feathers and your mother was white.
So what?
Black, white, red, what difference does it make?
We're all somebody's children.
As it happens, I am the child of a white woman.
She was so white, the other girls in the whorehouse called her the Ghost.
I'm not bragging. I'm just getting the facts straight.
And what I've told you's all I know.
I'm a lone wolf. I don't run with the pack.
And ya know why they call me Steam Engine?
Because one day I got fed up with city society and I jumped a train
and I ditched the whole crowd.
That's right-- ditched the whole tribe.
Man Who Gallops on Iron Horse.
You've gone far enough. Come on!
Yeah, you reached the end of the road, Steam Engine.
You crazy? You gonna fight?
Not me.
We're at the end of the track!
- What's happening? - Jump. Jump!
Bill!
Bill. You all right?
Di-- Did you get hurt?
Yeah, yeah, I'm all right. I'm all right, Lucy. I...
Hey, who ever planned this railway to end here?
Maybe they're gonna build a bridge across the valley
with a big town around it.
I remember this place whe it was nothin'.
Is this where the rails stop?
This here's the end of the Western Railroad Company.
- You're darn right. - It sure is.
Those are all the tracks we've got left.
And where's the Pacific, huh?
Answer me that.
He's right. Where is it?
Listen to what I'm gonna tell you.
There's no future for railroads In this country.
- Now where're ya goin'? - We're lookin' for a new job.
The company left us high and dry
and we're a-skedaddlin' outta here right now!
Joe, Bill, come on. There's still some hot coffee.
Come on, Bill.
Hey, take it easy, Bill.
Don't go gettin' yourself plastered.
I don't get plastered.
- I just get happy. - Oh, come on, you call that happy?
Injuns are gloomy by nature.
Hang on to yourself, Bill.
The son of a chief shouldn't fly off the handle like that.
Oh, yeah?
If I had a handful of men,
men who really knew where their balls are,
I'd screw this whole goddamn country.
Loneliness.
That's what it is.
The loneliness of genius.
Listen to me, lonely genius... will ya?
I got a proposition to make to you.
You wanna go into a partnership with me?
- Oh, let's make it... - Hmm?
- A three-way partnership. - Not that kind of partnership, Lucy.
You interested?
Oh... And who are we supposed to screw this time?
A man called Major Cabot.
That bastard Injun killer?
A man who deserves our respect.
No dice.
Look, Bill,
if you can make $300 all by yourself-- with a little help--
you'll be able to make $300,000.
How much is that again?
That's the amount the major kept
instead of turning it over to the Injun Agency.
What do I have to do?
You've been in the army.
That's right-- like-- like all white men.
What rank?
Uh, deserter.
How'd you like to be a colonel?
That could be nice for a change.
What do you say, Lucy?
I say, where you gonna get the uniform?
The uniform's on its way,
but you're also gonna need whiskers.
- Whiskers? - Uh-huh.
- Like these. - Mmm.
The colonel you're standing in for has a set.
Only his are real.
Then I'll grow my own. Just gimme time.
I could give you all the time you want and you still wouldn't have whiskers.
They don't grow on Injuns.
On me they do because I'm not an Indian!
- What is it? - Shh!
Someone's comin'...
a wagon or a stage...
I was just showin' you what the stupid redskins do to hear far-off sounds.
They still do.
Here we are in the age of the telegraph
and they still throw themselves on the ground.
- Comin' this way? - Who?
How do I know?
Ha! 'Cause you really believe.
you can just put your ear to the ground and hear if there's a stagecoach comin'.
- With an escort? - No, but it's bein' followed.
- How many riders? - Four.
Injuns?
No, the horses are shod.
There's gunfire, Joe, they're shootin'!
Yeah, I know.
How the Christ can ya know if you don't put your ear to the ground?
Tell me that. How the hell can ya know?
They're shootin' at a colonel with a red beard.
Ya see?
When you're not an Indian ya get it wrong.
Where are ya?
There's the coach and there's the idiot.
But where are the four riders?
Here we are, Steam Engine.
Mortimer!
What are ya doin' with the beads on?
It's the fashion, Bill.
But what ain't never the fashion is witnessin'.
Throw down your gun.
I'm sorry, Bill.
You shouldn't have seen what you just saw.
Why? What did I just see?
You saw the colonel.
You saw us made up in beads.
Oh, you got beads on, huh?
I swear to God I never even noticed.
In any case, you noticed us, didn't you?
Me? No. No!
Then who the hell are ya talkin' to?
Myself.
I always talk to myself.
You know what prairie folk are like.
I talk and I listen...
Hopin' that someone, somewhere,
will hear and answer me.
For God's sake, Mortimer,
For the sake of the old days when we worked together, side by side,
remember?
Uh, Mortimer, I...
Jelly Roll'd hate ya, huh, for even thinking about such an idea.
Why don't you answer me?
- Let's cut it short. - No.
It's a joke.
Naw!
Stop!
Don't shoot.
He's my brother.
Well, Steam Engine.
Where did you get hold of a sister like her?
Ah, come on, let's have a better look.
Be a good girl... bring up the curtains.
Say, if you wanna save your brother's life and make us all happy,
you're gonna have to split yourself into four.
Stop!
Don't lay a hand on my girl.
Christ! How many are ya back there?
Leavin' out the women
and the unarmed men, it's just me.
But I'll split myself into four if that'll make y'all happy.
Heh, cool off, buster.
We only meant to have a little fun with your girl.
Why not, Joe?
Let 'em have a little fun.
Let's all have a little fun.
What's wrong with that?
Why take chances, darlin'?
There're too many of them.
Throw down your gun.
Throw it down, darling.
Damn it, I missed!
Yeah, naturally. He moved.
What do you mean, naturally?
You learned to shoot in a circus.
You can't hit anythin' but a sittin' target.
Yeah, throw it away.
You're better off with a bow and arrow.
I was so scared.
Ohh. Oh.
You know, Lucy, keep it up and I'll name my price.
Name it!
- Ah, Bill. - Okay.
How come you go calling him darling and me brother?
The true fact is I can't make up my mind.
I don't know which one of you I love most.
I told ya.
But ya had to have it your own way.
I'm... gonna die.
Well, we're sorry as we can be.
- Yeah! It's real! - Please!
Don't let me die like this, not knowin'...
- What, Colonel? - Why do you all keep pullin'...
my beard?
Too bad. Didn't have time to tell him.
And, in a little while, Major Cabot'll know the colonel's dead.
- Back to square one. - Yeah.
Huh. He's beginnin' to get the hang of it.
Jesus! Is he movin'!
He's not headin' for Cabot.
He's goin' to Jelly Roll.
What's this Jelly Roll like?
Believes in an eye for an eye.
Well, we didn't get all of 'em, did we?
One got away.
Yeah, but three of 'em are dead.
So?
Everythin' depends on how ya tell it.
He did it.
He killed the three of them-- shot 'em right between the eyes.
But he threw me the gun, Jelly Roll.
I'd never let myself shoot your men.
Hey, keep movin'! Come on!
Yeah, and you caught their attention with your creamy thighs.
I didn't force them to look, did I?
Too bad ya can't hit a moving target.
Poor Steam Engine.
That's right. But I was wise to 'em.
And I got out of the way.
You see?
I can hit six out of six!
But you didn't know that Mortimer was...
wise to you.
No, I didn't.
Where did ya go to?
To my right.
And that's what you should have done.
It's easy to hit a movin' target.
Okay.
Now there's only four of us that know that Colonel Pembroke is dead.
It's good to meet a man who catches on so fast.
What are we gonna do with Mortimer?
"Bury him in a Mexican cemetery." Your friend's a wise guy, huh?
You can trust him, Jelly Roll. He's with me.
Looks to me like you're with him.
Now let's see if we can't raise the colonel from the dead.
Steam Engine. "We're not ordinary people."
Huh? Oh.
We're not ordinary people, Major Cabot, we're Americans.
The Western prairies must be firmly anchored to our great country
if we're gonna realize our lofty ideals.
- How's that? - That'll do.
Now the beard.
Jesus!
Oh, well.
But with the proper...
trousers...
and boots,
shoulders,
a little spit and polish here and there...
Well, what do you think?
- I think he's fine. - Uh, so do I.
Then...
there's no doubt about it.
They'll shoot you.
Say it again, Bill, keep sayin' it.
We-We're not ordinary people, Major Cabot, we're Americans.
Yeah, I know ya know that.
You been sayin' it over all night long. The instructions.
God damn it! I'm fed up to the teeth with this clown act!
You get to the fort, ya pass yourself off as Pembroke.
and confiscate the $300,000. Then what?
Then, if they haven't strung me up, I head due east
as fast as a jackrabbit to where you're gonna meet me.
If Cabot gives me an escort,
you're gonna stop the coach, shove your gun
into my Adam's apple and say, "Don't anybody move or I shoot."
Go on.
But if there's no escort,
ya don't shout anything at me,
we beat it the hell outta there,
and live happily forever after on a beach in the Sandwich Islands.
That's fine.
Perfect. What are you so sore about?
That'll do, Michelangelo.
What am I so sore about? Look at him!
Ya think for a minute he's gonna pass for a cavalryman?
You think for a minute you're gonna pass for a colonel?
That's what I'm saying!
They won't even let us into the fort!
They'll eat us alive!
- Too bad for them. Let's go. - Hey, giddy up then!
Whoa!
A wagon without driver.
Who the hell are you talkin' to?
Me?
A colonel in the United States Army?
Keep on croakin'.
Can't understand a word you're sayin'...
if what you're sayin' is words.
Well, before it withers, ya know what you can do with it.
Hey!
Let's have a little respect here.
This is a man who sees beyond mountains.
And I'm a man who sees right in front of his nose.
An if an old redskin can see it, too, I'm screwed.
What the hell was that?
The Western Railroad Company,
back on its relentless march through the mountains to the sea.
Bill, this is where I get off.
Good luck, Colonel Pembroke.
I'm afraid that branch is too big for that old Indian.
Hey, Joe!
Give old Dry Branch there a hand, will ya?
Guard-hut!
Whoa!
Ten-hut!
Whoa!
Colonel.
Welcome to Fort Chrystomel, Colonel.
I am Major Cabot.
- We're not ordinary people, Major Cabot-- - Later, Daddy.
And this young lady, I presume, is Miss Pembroke?
Y-Yes, presumably she's my daughter.
Well, many a flower was born to blush unseen in wasted sweetness
on the desert air.
Shall we go inside?
- Major, who did you build a gallows for? - Oh, uh, that Indian, sir.
A horse thief.
Follow me.
This way.
As you will see, I've had the very best quarters in the fort prepared
especially for you.
I'm genuinely astonished, Major Cabot,
because frankly, I never expected.
to meet up with-- with such a polished gentleman
in this neck of the woods.
Compliments on the set-up, Major.
My dear, beneath these rough uniforms lurk hearts of purest gold.
Take Sergeant Milton for instance.
He looks like a great bear but really, he's just a child who's grown too fast.
In here.
As for the rest of us, we're just ordinary people.
We're not ordinary people, Major Cabot, we're Americans.
Colonel, would you care for a cigar?
I think it's a flavor you might enjoy.
The Western prairies...
Why, yes, indeed.
Daddy, you're smoking!
Of course I'm smoking.
As I was saying...
The Western prairies must be firmly anchored...
And if that's too firmly anchored you're gonna burn to death.
Why don't you take it off?
Well, there you are,
the best quarters in the fort
prepared especially for you extraordinary people.
And wastes its sweetness on the desert air.
I'm gonna waste your sweetness, little girl.
Just you wait.
Let's go, Sergeant.
It's all over, Bill. They got you by the short hairs.
Son of a bitch!
What do you mean? You and me planned
for you to get up dressed like a colonel
and you go right ahead and you do it.
Hey, fella, what the hell's the matter with you?
Why do ya trust me all of a sudden?
Poor Bill baby. That takes all the fun out of it.
Now then, we just have to third member of this little group to think about
and we gotta think hard because he's a sly one.
Uh, what did Jelly Roll say he'd called himself?
- Joe Thanks. - What?
- Joe Thanks. - Mm-hmm.
The names these people have.
Well, you'd better send some of your men after him.
Where, sir?
Jelly Roll says you can't get your hands on him.
He's here, he's there...
in front of you, in back of you, slippery as an eel.
Where we gonna look?
Oh, that's, uh, your own problem, my boy.
Uh, just get him here, will you?
Yes, sir.
I want him in my office immediately.
What are you doing here?
Who are you?
What do you want?
An egg.
An egg as small as this.
A pale green egg speckled with dark brown, like, uh...
You recall the color of buffalo shit, Major?
Hmm?
A baby buzzard with a hooked beak.
He sticks out his pink-green neck, then his bare big toe.
Majestic mama buzzard, like any lovely kid's mother,
swoops down from the heavens with a nice, fat piece of carrion.
Young man, I know that the desert sun sometimes affects the brain...
Shh! High above...
papa buzzard, his wings steady in the sunlight,
watches over his babies so nothin' will disturb
the little one while he munches the tender, rotten meat.
All of a sudden, boom!
A clap of thunder shakes the mountain.
The rocks are burst asunder by a resounding blast,
and the dust of death rises up, up, up into the sky.
Papa buzzard weeps in the heavens...
weeps for his murdered mate...
weeps for his murdered baby.
"Make 'em stop before they kill every livin' thing."
Who?
They're here with their dynamite.
They're blowin' up the mountains.
They drill holes in the rock, and then, boom!
All dead-- papas, mamas, the helpless little ones.
And what's worse,
they make it hard for a fella to relax.
I sleep in a cave right under Red Rock.
You gotta tell 'em to stop, Major.
Get outta here.
My mistake.
They told me in town you were interested in protecting buzzards.
But I am. I am.
I feed them flesh
of people who come into my office and bother me for their own amusement.
Now get outta here!
Stop!
Just a minute.
Did you talk to anyone else about, uh...
I mean, did you mention your admirable concern for the buzzards.
to anyone else before coming to see me?
No, no, I came straight here.
Hmm.
You did the right thing, my boy.
Guard!
This Cabot runs a lousy prison.
Not a match in the place.
He's out to break me with slow torture.
He said he'd waste my sweetness on the desert air.
This'll learn you to listen to that baby-blue-eyed wise guy.
What's Joe gotta do with us being here?
Jelly Roll's the one who double-crossed us, not Joe.
You got a noose around your neck and still you stand up for him.
Answer me!
- Ah! - No!
I'm only standing up for him because he's a friend of mine...
a friend I can count on.
Well, if you're still counting on him, I mean, to name his price, forget it!
'Cause it's too late.
Say what you will.
The only thing I regret
in my whole life is Joe.
Me, too. Oh!
$300,000!
He's the one who has everything worked out.
Never makes a slip-- a genius! Aah!
You know what I'd do to him if I had him here right now?
I'd tear off his head and eat it like this.
Go right ahead. Just don't ruin your dentures.
Oh, Joe!
- Joe! Joe! - Lucy!
I knew he'd get us out of here.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, sure.
Am I making a mistake or are you also a guest of the management?
He couldn't be more right.
Oh, that gladens my heart. I can't tell ya!
This situation's beginning to be a pleasure.
They're gonna string us up in the morning.
Now at least we're gonna swing together.
- Are we, Joe? - The Injuns are always pessimistic.
Can't ya see the whole thing's workin' out just the way we planned?
Oh, is it?
Mm-hmm.
It's like playin' pool, Bill.
The ball banks off a third cushion,
hits another ball, and drives it right into the hole.
What's happenin'? Where're you going?
No power on this earth ain't gonna persuade us
to go forward with this god damned rotten railroad.
So you can save your breath.
We're not goin' forward, we're goin' back.
We're through.
You think it's worth blowin' up a whole mountain
just to get to the god damned Pacific Ocean?
I tell you, it's full of stones-- hard as metal, they are.
Never seen anything like it in all my born days.
Milton.
This is all alluvial rock.
Those railroad men have been workin' here
and they didn't even see what was before their eyes.
This is quartz. Pure quartz.
Just scratch it and you'll have an avalanche of nuggets.
Touch of a pickaxe...
and you'll find pure gold.
The same as I found on that chair. I had it tested.
Pure gold.
Gold.
Some may have been sayin' there was gold up here for 15 years, but nobody...
nobody believed me.
Seems as though we've lost our horses.
You're the linguist, Sergeant. It's all yours.
Yeah, I'll try.
Don't overdo it.
- Yatahey. - Yatahey.
Tell them that I'll trade a wide tract of grazing land
with plenty of good water and buffalo in exchange for...
this useless piece of sand and rock.
And to show that I mean business I'll even sign a treaty.
Hmm. What'd he say?
Uh, he says he will only deal with the colonel
who just came to the fort
and not with a son of a bitch like you.
That screws us.
That depends.
Ask him if he's ever met the colonel.
He says he's never met him. He knows him only by reputation.
In that case, tell him the good colonel will be delighted to shake his hand
and, uh, strike a bargain.
But Colonel Pembroke...
Is enjoying the hospitality of Fort Chrystomel.
You're only hangin' the two of us?
Get goin'.
Come on.
This way.
I think he's fine.
Just fine.
This way, Colonel.
Get movin', on the double.
Come on.
Uh, Colonel Pembroke, sir.
My fellow officers and I hope that you'll accept
you'll accept the simple hospitality of Fort Chrystomel.
Miss Pembroke, you come to us like a desert flower.
- How charming of you. - Not at all, Miss Pembroke.
I hope you won't pick my petals.
Precious petals must be plucked, not picked.
May I have the honor of accompanying you to the table?
You remember, Colonel, that occasion when we were surrounded
by Indians in the Black Mountains?
Just imagine it-- a bedraggled squad of cavalry trapped on a hilltop
encircled by a swarm of Indians.
I was, um, I was just a mere lieutenant at the time,
and you, Colonel, uh...
Uh, were you a major or, uh, or a captain?
Um, I was a general.
I've never met a more amusing man than your father.
Yes, me, neither.
Realizing that there was no way out,
the colonel said to me, "Dismount.
Let us make a stand, Lieutenant. We shall die together."
It was a massacre.
Oh, you mean they got us.
I'll get you if you can't do better than this.
What am I supposed to do, anyhow?
Tomorrow you're gonna have a little talk with an old Indian.
Is it about the 300,000?
- Hah! Trifles! - What trifles are those?
Your father was just asking, my dear, why I wasn't decorated
for the deeds that I did that day.
Um, as I said to him,
the joy of serving my country...
has been satisfaction enough.
We are not ordinary people.
We are Americans.
Shit!
No fun playin' with yourself, is it?
I need a queen, I got a jack.
That's easy. Just turn it into a queen.
You actin' crazy or were ya born that way?
Lemme see it.
- What? - Lemme see it.
Jack.
Queen.
See? It's easy.
If I could do that at a poker game...
You can do better than that at a poker gamee. Watch this.
Now...
Hmm?
One,
two,
three.
Kids' stuff.
Lemme try.
- Ah-ah-ah. - Hmm?
Here.
I understand. The trick is to open... the cards, hmm?
The trick is to get the door open.
There it is. Yeah!
Gee, you got bad cavities.
Shut your mouth or I'll fill 'em for a year.
I can shut you up and open the lock with one shot. The keys!
Come on!
Halt!
Left face!
Attention!
- Where do you come from? - El Paso.
Don't we know each other?
No, sir. I don't think we come from the same part of the country.
- I come from a different place. - What kind of place is that?
A place where men are men, sir.
I'll teach all of you what a real man is.
That's my job here.
Now I'm gonna hit this fella
and he's gonna smile and say,
"I didn't feel a thing
"because I'm a soldier of the 5th Cavalry."
- Now, we'll have a try. - Just as you wish, sir.
- Did it hurt? - No, sir.
- Why not? - 'Cause I'm a soldier of the 5th Cavalry.
- Did it hurt? - No, sir.
- Why not? - 'Cause I'm a soldier of the 5th Cavalry.
- Did it hurt? - No, sir.
- Why not? - 'Cause that wasn't my foot, it was his.
Silence!
Left...
face!
To the quartermaster's store.
Forward...
march!
Hey, you!
Stop!
Stop him!
I know him.
He's crazy.
Grab him!
That guy insulted our major.
- Come down here. - No. I wanna be free.
Listen.
Come down here.
I'm afraid you're gonna beat me.
Go back to your cell.
The major doesn't like prisoners to escape.
No. I wanna be free. I don't care about the 5th Cavalry.
Saw down that pole.
Sergeant... what are you doin'?
No.
Stop it. Make 'em stop, Sergeant.
Make 'em stop, Sarge! Sergeant!
- Sergeant, stop it, Sergeant! - Are you gonna come down, then?
Yes, sir.
No. No. No, Sergeant. I wanna be free like a buzzard.
- I want to be free! - He's crazy. Saw it down!
Make 'em stop, Sergeant. That's dangerous.
I wanna live.
No, don't. No, no.
No!
All right, you guys, get him outta that wagon!
Open wide.
And now?
Now it's solitary confinement for you.
You. Bring me the keys.
- Back inside? - Sir.
Give him a hand.
Come on.
Look at the sun, Sergeant.
Bye-bye!
Hurry up, shoot him down!
Hey, look, there he goes!
Come on!
¡Ole!
Hyah!
Shut the doors!
Okay, guys, come on, let's get him!
Get the-- Get the gate closed.
All right.
Havoc...
Stop, you fool.
That cannon's loaded.
Don't shoot, ya stupid.
Don't ya see that cannon's pointed right at the ammunition wagon?
Mm-hmm.
- What do you want? - I'm sorry, I forgot my hat...
if you don't mind, Sergeant...
I'm afraid I have a very bad habit.
Pass the hat, Sergeant.
Pass it around.
Come on.
Whatever you can afford, boys, just put it in the hat.
Come on.
Come on, men.
Thanks.
Hurry up, Sergeant. Go on.
Hey, you.
My gun.
Take it to him.
- Give, men. - Thanks.
Hurry up. Not too tight, huh?
Thanks.
Thank you.
You're doing fine, Sergeant.
Your turn now.
Thanks.
Careful with that cigar.
Uh-huh.
Don't forget, you're a soldier of the 5th Cavalry.
Whoa! Take over, Major.
Those stupid Indians are fallin' for our plot.
Sergeant, you owe the United States Cavalry
two horses and one cannon, and you let that madman get away.
Who's stupid?
Colonel, I think we should take positions.
Now remember, don't try anything
or I'll send Sergeant Milton back to the fort,
and he'll do awful things to your charming daughter.
- Yeah, you told me. - Right.
Come on. Look happy. Look happy. All you have to do is sign your name.
It'd be easier if I had to kill 20 of your men with my left hand.
Hmm.
I can't write.
- Is this the Indian? - Right.
But this old man knows me very well.
I'm telling you that this old man has known me since I was a kid.
But you've grown up now, and you've got a beard.
Yeah, but he's the man who sees beyond the mountains.
He's probably already recogned me.
- The chief says that-- - I heard him. I'm not deaf.
You can understand him?
- How's that? - I'm a lip-reader.
- The chief says that-- - I heard him. I'm not deaf.
I'm heard him, too. I'm not deaf, either.
What did he say?
The chief says he's willing to sign.
as long as Colonel Pembroke's here to witness.
Okay.
I'll watch you sign.
Then let's get on with it.
Everythin' all set here?
Yes, Major, all ready.
- You just need to sign. - All right.
What's he want? A little extra bonus, huh? A bottle of whiskey or somethin'?
You better tell him, Sergeant.
No, you better tell him, Colonel.
The chief is very satisfied with the treaty, but...
he wants to know why you're givin' 'em
all this nice huntin' ground full of water and buffalo...
for a hole in the rock full of nothin' but fool's gold.
Fool's gold?
Sure, it's gold. But what the hell?
Anybody can buy a little gold dust.
And that Joe Thanks, he was the other partner--
the one you sent the boys lookin' for
when all the time you had him locked up in the next room.
I just can't figure out why he did it.
I'll tell you why.
Because he was in cahoots with that old Indian,
trying to cheating me out of that territory.
And I am bound to say it succeeded.
But to do so he had to use you...
and force me to present you in public as Colonel Pembroke.
Those 300,000 greenies were only an excuse to get you workin' for him.
All he wanted to do was to give the land back to the Indians.
Indians! You're right!
That fella's got a thing about Indians!
Hear what they're sayin'?
He was in cahoots with that decrepit redskin.
That's why he got me into this mess.
He wanted to screw me!
- And now you're gonna screw him. - Yeah.
But how?
Major, Joe may have scre--
done us wrong
but Bill would never double-cross a friend.
Then he'd prefer to hang?
Bill has Indian blood.
And Indians never double-cross anyone...
not even people who double-cross them.
Indians, no. Me, yes.
I'll double-cross anyone-- you, my ma, my pa, my grandfather!
Don't you let them drag you down!
If Joe did what he did,
he must have had some good reason.
I got a thousand reasons just as good to give him right back what I got.
Ooh!
Genius!
I'll show that son of a bitch!
Now you're talkin' like I like to hear.
When do you want me to betray, Major?
Oh, we're going to split the $300,000, are we not?
All we have to do is to follow your friend's plan to the letter.
Um, with one tiny variation, hmm?
Ah, Colonel Pembroke, sir.
I hereby consign to you $300,000
to be returned to the United States government.
Colonel, may I have your signature, please?
Now it is time to make your mark.
- Captain. - Major. Yes, sir.
The escort is assembled, Captain?
Yes, Major, assembled and waiting for your signal.
The coach will be leaving shortly.
The sooner this is underway, the less chance
- of having it get lost. - There we go.
Now, he has the instructions.
Oh, yes, sir, I instructed him personally, Major.
Thank you. Thank you, Colonel.
Escort!
Attention!
Will you grant me the privilege
of escorting you as far as Albuquerque, sir?
- And if I don't? - Very kind.
May I assist you? Thank you.
Here's the variation that I told you about.
When our friend holds up the coach
he's not gonna get the money.
Oh, excuse me, my dear, would you mind, um...
showing the little surprise to your papa?
He is going to...
get this.
Oh, I'd like to see Joe's face.
I'd really like to see his face.
Oh, yes. You'll see it
because you'll be there when he opens it.
- Yo, ho! - Ho!
Stop!
Good way Jelly Roll is ridin' slap bang into it.
Stop!
They wanna kill...
Colonel Pembroke!
They wanna kill Colonel Pembroke!
Hey, didn't ya see a man in black on a black horse?
No.
I see a man in white...
on a white horse.
- But it comes to the same. - It's Joe!
They wanna kill Colonel Pembroke.
They want Colonel Pembroke's life.
Who? Who?
Who wants to kill me?
I do.
Major...
order your men to drop their guns over there.
He's an assassin. Do what he says.
Out of the way.
I will give that order.
Our colonel's life is at stake.
Do what this man says.
Escort!
Throw down your guns over there.
Escort! Follow me!
Now, ya mind handing me that box of money?
Major, as your superior, I order you to give him that box.
Very well, Colonel.
Excuse me.
Thanks.
You're the most pretty daughter of an army officer I've ever seen.
Thank you.
But please...
don't hurt my father.
Very well then. I'll take you as a hostage instead.
Come on, Major.
I think you're-- you're a little confused.
I'm-- I'm only a major.
Uh, he's a-- He's a colonel.
We got a long trip. Move.
So long, Colonel. Miss.
Hey, hey...
Hey!
Hurry up!
Save the major! Let's get movin'!
Hurry up! Everybody this way! Come on!
And if you can't save Major Cabot,
at least save the money!
What am I supposed to do now, Colonel?
- You just stay put and guard the pass. - Yes, sir, Colonel.
Now you realize who the real genius of the situation turns out to be.
Yah!
Surprised?
Your partner double-crossed you.
He and I planned this together.
And here's Jelly Roll and his boys to settle accounts.
The money? Where's the money?
It's quite safe...
on the stagecoach.
Safe? With Steam Engine?
Don't shoot! It's Major Cabot!
He's gaining!
Hey! Ho! Come on!
Ha!
I found the driver's gun.
I don't see him any longer.
We made it! Ha!
Are ya hurt?
No. He hit the shaft.
Gimme the chest... the chest!
Get on!
What are you gonna do?
I'm gettin' off this merry-go-round
and puttin' the money where it's safe.
See ya in St. Louis, Missouri, honey.
Joe!
Ha!
Faster, damn you!
Hey!
You got just what I want.
Now.
Where's she goin'? Stop her!
- Hey! - Hold her. Hold on here, now.
Oh, please! No, please!
Now.
Let me go. Hey, let me go, I tell you!
Let go, would you?!
Blast!
Don't go over there! There's gonna be an explosion!
Stop it!
Stop!
There's two men down there!
Boy, get outta there.
- The blast'll give 'em holes. - Please! No, please!
$300,000 gone up in smoke!
Come on, you dope.
Where the hell are we?
Let's go.
Joe!
Bill!
Hey, Joe!
Lucy!
Boom!
Bill.
- Are you okay? - No.
What's the matter?
- You hurt? - Yes.
- Where? - Here.
There's somethin' I wanna know and I wanna know right now!
What the hell is goin' on?
The whole thing's workin' out just like we planned.
Hey!
Is this the, uh, pay office?
Sure. This is it.
Get in line, boys.
Come on, boys.
There's somethin' for everybody right here.
Come on.
Hey, mister.
I wanna thank you for giving us the job of blastin' a hole through that rock.
- I hope it suited ya. - It was a very good job.
- Thanks. - You almost smothered us to death, though.
Beautiful piece of work, Joe. Really beautiful.
Don't thank me. The credit goes to my partner.
Thanks, boys.
Thanks.
- This is it. Thanks. - Thank you.
Here you are, Jelly Roll.
Thanks. It was a good job.
Mm-hmm.
Good job.
Thanks.
Thank you.
So I've been crossed but not double-crossed.
That's about it.
There are times in life...
when ya think money's the most important thing that there is.
But once you get it...
maybe you wish you didn't have it.
- Hey, where you goin' with the money? - Hush, now.
Remember?
A ray of the dyin' sun touches the tops of the highest mountains.
They seem bathed in blood.
And then the peaks throw long shadows down to the bottomless valley.
In the blue sky a hawk glides wide and easy.
- Wings cleavin' the air? - Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Not that horse again.
Yatahey.
Here's the money, Grandpa.
Why the hell are they all dressed like this?
Isn't that the way you wanted it?
Goodbye, Joe.
Why? Where are we goin'?
Now you know why I'm goin' with him.
We're gonna screw America.
Bringing Grandpa, too?
He stays. He represents the past.
The son of a bitch had it all figured out.